What's a RESOLUTION anyway?

Setting Intentions for this year. 

Everyone seems to be on board for the whole New Year, New You! wave—riding the crest of enthusiasm for change and Better versions of yourself and Makeover Magic!

I fall prey to it, too.
I want new, shiny, prettier things and I want to be "Better!" like all the magazines tell me. 

But why? Why can’t I be good with who I am right now, in this very moment? 

Is there a balance to wanting expansion and evolution of my Soul (and that includes nice and shiny new workout gear) and being okay with where I am presently? 

Can we wish for improvement while honoring where we are Now?

I make intentions instead of resolutions. I claim some quality I would like to cultivate every month at the new moon. I say it out loud (in front of others, if possible) to give it juice and credibility and put it out into the Universe to hear.  Message sent.  I understand it’s a practice and it’s up to me to tend to it. I try and put in the work.  It reminds me of all the rehearsals I had to put in before I even got stage time. I’m talking months in front a mirror, perfecting the moves, knowing exactly what wing to exit into, what prop to pick up backstage in the five seconds you had before you leapt back on in show mode. Then, if adequate rehearsal under your belt, you would map it all out on the stage, go over the spacing in the theater before you even got to costumes! Before you were even duet-ing with co-stars! This is even before opening night! 

This is the cultivation we need to tend to, like strict rehearsal for a show so that once we have the practice under our (figurative) belts, we know how to go out there and Shine. Nothing distracts our performance. We have done the work with our intention, applied our practical application consistently, and now we have the spiritual technique to dance in the flow of Life! You know this is clicking in when you stand in Neutrality as your mother screams in your face.  

In the meantime, let’s try to veer from the tendency to get lost on that cultural bandwagon that says I’m not good enough (as I am) and therefore need to LOSE 10 POUNDS IN 3 DAYS! 

Let’s find new Intentions for this New Year that speak to our Soul in its already absolute perfection that is here for the sole purpose of spiritual expansion. 

Set your Intention for this year in a mindful way that appreciates where you are and looks forward in knowing expectancy for what is to come.

Because, as you know  (if it’s your Intention)..the best is yet to come.

What are you meeting in 2016?

It’s the first of January 2016.

What did I do all year? 

This is the time we review and look back on 2015 and it all feels a blur to me, with hazy details I can’t quite make out. I keep wiping the windshield clean but more fog comes.

What happened, exactly?

I found myself on this day a year ago trapped in Costa Rica with an alcoholic “boyfriend” I couldn't stand. I was miserable. I think I spent the day writing about new years Determinations in the humid morning, probably practicing some average yoga, and trying mostly to steer clear of any confrontation.  I consoled myself in my mind by decorating my fantasy Venice bungalow, down to the color palette and throw pillows, seeing myself happy and free with my animals. That’s about all I could focus on.

And now here I am. A year later. I have completely manifested this new life, down to every detail. Every damn throw pillow. I am here and I am happy.

The months in between? I’m not sure. I guess you could say I was finding new footing this whole year. I was unraveling my “Broadway performer identity” and tearing off the self I knew, the self I had carefully orchestrated for fifteen years in NYC to discover a new self. 

I wrapped up most of my belongings (clothes, journals, books) in February and hit the road for California. Me and my three animals all stuffed on the plane, quietly crying and displaced. I didn’t have much support. I didn’t even say goodbye. I just left the cold and never looked back.

 

I stayed simple in Carpinteria and found the ocean my solace. I journaled, wandered, worried, relaxed, walked, dreamed, planned, played, dated, slept, and removed myself from the chaos of what I knew eight shows a week. I completely changed my life. I even took up watercolor painting. I knitted, cooked, hiked, chanted, stayed in the question and got to be okay with being with that. The beach was my new home and I felt like I was playing a role for three months in a Lifetime movie. Very Jessica Lange.  Lots of staring out to sea in contemplation.

I wish I was more ambitious at this time, but all I could do was float.

In the summer, I moved to Venice (as I wrote about before), and submerged myself entirely in creating home and sanctuary in a new way. I went back to Nature. I went simple. I found vintage or made it myself and I reveled in the miracle of little things like cooking myself dinner and eating under the stars. I banned all plastic. I smelled the rosemary and watered the plants and took Lola for little walks in the neighborhood, introducing myself as the new girl in town. I biked along the water at sunset, I went on blind dates, I kept dreaming and journaling and wondering what the hell I was doing. I liked not having to go to a job but I was scared I could never go back. No structure and no accountability and no place to have to report to was almost too much freedom. I didn’t set an alarm and I didn’t feel particularly productive. What if this is the new unproductive me? Shit.

So I wrote a few treatments and pitched them to tv producers who all bullshitted me with “Sounds great” retorts. I grew weary of the ‘business” soon. I didn’t like the game. It felt dirty to me. You know when you wash your hands and they still feel grimy? I didn’t like how dumb and fake and ridiculous and un-artistic it all was. I didn’t want to play pretend. I wasn’t naive but this was the worst part about Hollywood I despised the most. 

 

I floundered. I didn’t know what was real anymore. I didn't understand who I was and what I related to and who my sounding board was anymore. I didn't understand Relation-ability. I didn't have a nightly audience applauding for me. I didn’t have cast mates reflecting my state, I didn’t even have New York City telling me to fuck off. I felt like a birthday balloon some child had let go of that never touched anything solid, only floating slowly upward, slightly to the left, lost and meandering and hoping to find a landing place.

I soared back to NYC a few times to do some shows/gigs and felt successful, productive, important. I was performing for Ben Stiller. I had stuff to do. That’s the lure of the business. You open your mouth to sing, people laugh and applaud you for it and you think you’re saving the world. Your ego does, at least. It’s a splintered experience.  It’s a lethal addiction. 

Now, we are in the midst of Winter. I feel relieved. It’s the time that things fall away and we have the choice to let go gracefully, instead of the usual white knuckling it. We no longer need to try and hold onto something that is past. Isn’t that a relief? I went to NYC and closed the chapter. I said goodbye. I put a rock in the ground at the park and thanked the trees that stood by me for so long in this cold city. I still feel untethered. But at least I am not cramming my once undernourished body into too tight lingerie costumes, pretending to be someone I’m not. 

I am someone I am. I am that. 

I am facing my new life in CA. 

What (and whom) are you meeting in 2016?